


What the fuck is wrong with me?

by notanugget



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Love, but it has a happy ending tho, this is sad im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-02-17 12:55:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13077315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notanugget/pseuds/notanugget
Summary: The five times isak felt guilty for being in love and the one time he didn’t





	What the fuck is wrong with me?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Carolus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carolus/gifts).



> This is my gift for the Skamfiction Secret Santa, I got Amalie and honestly? Thanks universe. I love you so much Amalie, I hope you like this, I tried to write Isak accepting who he is and learning to not feel guilty for being himself, (some well deserved season 1 Isak POV in there tbh) I hope I didn't fail miserably and you actually like this, I added some ideas that I think you would like. Merry Christmas Amalie, I love you a lot<3
> 
> (also if i did't fail miserably don't let me take the credit, it all goes to my amazing beta Sue (@Julieseven) that corrected all of my horrible mistakes and didn't end up hating me even if I apparently don't know what a period is, I love you)

**one**

_what the actual fuck is wrong with me_  
The air he breathed had trouble entering his lungs and the rate at which his heart was beating made him feel like he was going to die.Isak was not okay.

_I swear to god if this is the fucking weed I’m never smoking again_

But it wasn’t the weed, at least his problem was not only him being high but also him feeling too much, him panicking because of what was crawling inside his skin, reaching for freedom

They were smoking weed, it was Isak’s first time and he thought it was gonna be okay and it was, but at the same time it wasn’t.

Green meet green through the reflection in the mirror and green was filled with terror, because he knew what this was. He had always known but now all control had abandoned him and therefore his feelings were running loose, lately he found himself not even being able to get ahold of his own thoughts regarding this matter, a matter that had been desperately shoved aside during his whole life.

And now it was everywhere, all over his body and all over his mind, his worst fear was finally developing and all because of a boy.  
Because of his best friend.

_Fuck me, this can’t be happening_  
But it was, it had been happening for a while and he knew it, he had always known.

It happened every time Jonas smiled, it didn’t even have to be directed at him, just seeing him smile was enough, thought Isak knew it was always worse when the smiles were for him or because of him, because that was when his heart did fucking backflips out of pure joy.

It happened every time Jonas touched him without giving it two thoughts but Isak’s mind kept replaying it again and again, thinking about all the possible explanations for that subtle knee brush or that quick side hug while they walked next to each other, feeling the pressure on his skin every time he thought about it, even weeks later

It happened every time Jonas talked, because of the way he poured his heart into everything he said, like he was sure that every word coming out of his mouth mattered and putting all of his passion in those words was worth it, like he was never running out of emotions, and Isak listened, he really listened because how could he not? 

It happened every single fucking time Jonas did anything. Cause he was Jonas, and Jonas was all Isak wanted, even though it was so difficult to accept it.

_Damn, Isak, get your shit together, calm the fuck down, just breathe_

But he couldn’t do it while he looked at himself in the mirror, he couldn’t bear to do anything while looking at the person he was most embarrassed of, who he hated the most. So he looked away and then he breathed.

“Hey bro, you good in there?” 

_That fucking voice_

“If the weed’s making you feel sick, it’s okay, you should let me in and we’ll figure out something. We’ll find a way to calm you down.”

Isak muffled a laugh. This was Jonas, of course he would want to check on him and make sure he was feeling alright even thought Elias was probably out there in the other room having an amazing time and not hating himself for being so helpless against his feelings.

So when he opened the door and was met with Jonas’s concerned beautiful eyes and he felt his chest so full and his stomach so empty, after mumbling a little “just needed to breathe” and feeling the heaviness of two big hands, one on each of his shoulders, and he heard a “let’s get into the tub and chill,” he smiled.

“What’s up with you and bathtubs?”

“I don’t know man, it’s the weed, it makes bathtubs seem like some kind of magnet”

And he laughed, he laughed and it felt so good. He got into the tub and Jonas did too and they rested their legs against each other and then they were just chilling, laughing at stupid jokes, talking about whatever crossed their minds and it felt so good. They were just being best friends and it felt so good, so fucking good that Isak tried to pretend like his mind was not being constantly attacked by what if’s while Jonas rambled on.

“So I was standing there, almost out of nachos but filled with determination, All Star playing in the background, wondering if it was really worth it when...”

The door slammed against the wall even thought it was already opened and Elias barged in.

“Are you done making out?”

“What the fuck, man?”

“It’s not you I’m worried about, we all know who would kiss who.”

Elias eyes landed on him and the amusement they were filled with made Isak want to disappear in that exact moment. His hands started to tremble and his mind was blank and filled with thoughts at the same time, desperately trying to answer with something but too panicked to actually do it.

“Stop being such an asshole, Elias.”

Jonas got up and out of the tub and instantly Isak felt like he was drowning inside it even if it was empty, he felt like it was immense for just him. It was not fun anymore, not without Jonas.

“Come on, lets get something to eat.” 

Isak’s limbs moved without him even thinking about it, the numbness that was ruling his body only partially fading away, because the numbness that came from fear and shame was not as easy to shake off.

“You good?”

_No._

“Yes.”

The half smile that Isak gave with the answer to Jonas’s sweet whispered question just before crossing the threshold was as fake as he was feeling inside, because he knew, he obviously knew that Jonas cared about him because he was his best friend and spent time with him because he was his best friend and casually touched him because he was his best friend.  
 _Only_ his best friend.  
But that didn’t make it any easier.

_He sees you only as his best friend, Isak, stop now, what the fuck is wrong with you._

 

 

**two**

_What the actual fuck is wrong with me_  
Why was he even having this conversation with himself, this was not okay, he was not okay.   
Lately Isak had been thinking more and more about how he was not okay, not only emotionally but also not okay as a person. Against his will, he sometimes found himself asking God why he was feeling this, why hadn’t he created him like he was supposed to be created? He even thought about if God had been angry or tired or just done when he decided to give Isak life, but then, with tears forming in his eyes, he realized what he was doing and after bitterly laughing and furiously washing away the tears he reminded himself that God was only a psychological safe net that society created because humans need guidance and reassurance so they don’t fall into chaos, so in other words, he knew God was bullshit. But still, old habits die hard.

He tried to relax when he realized how much pressure his hands were applying to the sink right in front of him, as if the sink was the tether that kept him from losing all sense of the world around him.   
He sat down on the toilet, exhausted of being hunched against the sink hating himself, exhausted of the neverending race against his thoughts in which he never seemed to have any advantage, overall exhausted of himself really. 

So the jolting and blushing and thinking and feeling still hadn’t gone away, as he dumbly expected after packing every thought related to it inside a hypothetical box and throwing it inside a hypothetical safe that he hypothetically placed in the hypothetical confines of his mind, hoping that it would just disappear.

_Good job, Isak, great idea, you’re doing perfectly fine and it’s not like you are still the shittiest person in the whole world, being in lo…_

He couldn’t bring himself to think it, he restrained his own mind from going there, even if he undoubtedly knew that it was true. 

He tried, he really did. He did it for Jonas and he did it for Eva. The first few weeks of knowing was impossible for it to cross his mind without snakes sizzling and moving inside his stomach, making him nauseous. Slowly he became more accustomed to the feeling, but the discomfort and embarrassment and especially the guilt were still there, latched onto him with an immovable force. So he decided to ignore it, naively hoping that it would just pass, because he couldn’t do that to his friends, he couldn’t afford feeling this way.  
But it had not gone away and he still felt all bubbly and giddy inside whenever he was around Jonas. 

_God dammit, I don’t have time for this._

He had been forced to run to the bathroom to get away from Jonas. They were having a nice afternoon playing Fifa, like they had done countless times before, but this was not like all those times before because even though Isak’s blood boiled with competitiveness and he normally could concentrate easily to kick Jonas’ ass, or try to, now it was obvious that the other thing his whole body was burning with wasn’t exactly going to go away. Although he tried to deny it, he was unable to ignore that the things he wanted to do with Jonas’ ass weren’t necessarily kicking it, at least not _only_ that.

But years of experience of trial and error throughout his whole life and in different areas had made Isak realize that the best way to win is thinking smart, and that he could do, because he was smart. And being stuck inside an emotional prison cell smashing his own head into the bars and scraping the walls with “why me?” wasn’t smart. Although that was the only thing he had been doing the last couple of months, he now was sure that it was way past the fake-it-till-you-make-it phase and he couldn’t take the half-assed ignoring of the problem anymore, so he was being smart even if being smart meant being face to face with the problem, so basically, confronting his worst nightmare.

So yeah, he liked his best friend, his never-shown-any-kind-of-interest best friend, his probably-straight best friend, his very-in-love-with-a-girl best friend. The worst part was that the girl with best friend was in love with, she wasn’t just any girl, she was Isak’s friend and had always been there for him, she was fun and reliable and she didn’t deserve a friend like him, hopelessly pinning for her boyfriend, she deserved better, she deserved a smart friend.

And that’s what Isak was gonna give her.

_So, I’m acting smart from now on, how? Strategy, that’s is the only way to solve this problem._

Strategy meant tracing a plan, which was the means to the end, that end being the disappearance of his fucked up crush, the ultimate destruction of invasive feelings and demolishing of unwanted thoughts, and Isak’s plan was gonna be based on the following of some ground rules, simple, normal and objective rules that would lead him to treat Jonas as he did before being sucked into this black hole of confusion, and eventually he would see him as a friend again. Those rules would help him eradicate this thing all the way from the roots.

After doing a recapitulation of when the intensity of his feelings was off the charts and taking definitely way much more time at the bathroom than he should’ve, he started putting together a list of the rules:  
1\. Avoid any type of touching  
2\. Stop checking him out when he isn’t looking and especially:   
3\. Do not, under any circumstance, look at his lips.  
4\. Think about how good he is to you as a friend instead of how good he could be to you as something more  
5\. Don’t try to steal him when he is spending time with Eva.  
6\. Break eye contact as fast as you can whenever he looks at you with concerned eyes because that shit will mess with your head and give you hope when there isn’t.  
7\. No thinking about kissing or holding hands or running your fingers through his hair or ...

_Fuck this, I’m never gonna finish this stupid list._

And he was right, at least for the moment, because a loud voice at the other side of the door suddenly interrupted him

“Did you get scared off by my unbeatable abilities on FIFA or was that kebab not good for your stomach?” 

The calm and nervousness that simultaneously overcame his body by only hearing the sound of Jonas’ voice were a very confusing mix. Sometimes Isak was left wondering if it was really fair that he had to deal with this, why him and not any other person, but he already knew that going down that road was not gonna solve anything and would just leave him frustrated, angry and sad. So he got to his feet, let his lungs swell with bathroom air three times and moved to open the door after muttering to himself.

_You’ve got this, Isak, c’mon._

From closed to ajar to open and oh my god.

_You’ve got nothing, idiot, you really don’t._

And how could he? When he was overwhelmed by the way Jonas’ happy expression changed into a frown the moment he saw him because this boy could read him as automatically as his dad did with the paper in the morning and still they both couldn’t read the reality of who Isak was, and still Jonas was so oblivious to what Isak’s eyes shouted with so much eagerness, so blinded by his own way of seeing things but also by Isak’s way of hiding them.

“Is everything all right?”

“Yeah, I was just texting my mom.”

The hand that pressed heavily against his shoulder made his eyes dart and clash against his best friend’s excruciating look, a worried look. And it was as if Isak’s eyes claimed to be glued to Jonas’, green only comfortable looking at green but also so lost, and being lost was so scary, being lost made him feel so vulnerable, and he was not ready to feel that, probably he never would, but looking away felt so unnecessary. He knew he needed to do something.

“It’s fine.”

“I know.” 

_Fuck, you really don’t._

“Let’s go play some FIFA, okay?” 

After a close mouthed smile and a quick nod that felt like the only thing Isak could do without breaking because thinking so much about this thing only made it more real, made him more susceptible to be hurt by it, Jonas gave a little squeeze and let go of his shoulder, then made his way to the living room without checking if Isak was following, he knew he would eventually, he knew he maybe needed some time to adjust himself, he knew, Jonas always knew, except when he didn’t.

Before making his way to the living room, Isak took a deep breath, exhaled slowly and muttered to himself.

_Okay Isak, the rules start now, you are smart, now be smart._

Because, a few seconds after watching Jonas go and regain power over his mind and body, he had cursed to himself when he realized that he had already, in the span of less than a minute, broken more than half of his ground rules. 

_Shit, you can’t even follow your own rules, what the fuck is wrong with you._

 

 

**three**

_What the actual fuck is wrong with me_  
This was not nice, he was not nice, he was failing at all of his rules and he was not okay, Isak was not okay.

Isak was aware that since a few months ago he was stuck inside some sticky mess of feelings and couldn’t get out, but it wasn’t until right now, his eyelids pressed shut tight, that he realized that he was not only inside the sticky mess, he _was_ the sticky mess. 

He now inspected himself in the mirror and every patch of skin his eyes landed on filled Isak with anger. He kept stupidly asking the universe what the fuck was wrong with him but he did nothing to fix himself, he couldn’t, he felt like an outside force moved him to do the shit he did when he was around Jonas, but now he had really fucked up, now he was fairly certain that Eva had found the truth that Isak wore on his sleeve but tried so hard to hide.

Just before excusing himself and hurriedly forcing his feet to take him to the bathroom, he had been yet again ruining Eva’s plans, reminding Jonas about how they already confirmed on attending to that lame party that he didn’t even want to go to, and it was an especially low blow because he knew that Eva was not invited, still being in the blacklist of the group of girls that the host was part of, but he still insisted on going, convincing Jonas with the ingenuous I-want-to-get-laid manipulation that later made him sick on his stomach, knowing that he was not just playing with Jonas as a person, but also damaging his relationship with Eva.   
And Eva, whose suspicious stare made him flee and seek cover in the bathroom, cowering away from that accusing look that responded to his insistence with an “I’m on to you.”

_Shit shit shit shit, she knows, now I’m really fucked._

Isak was smart, well, in certain areas more than others, but he had always been one step ahead when it came to the observation of people, he was able to easily analyze and categorize every person he met. He sometimes thought that it was easy for him to see through people’s facades because he was so used to putting one on every day, covering his true self behind lies. The point was that he could really see people even if they could never see him, and every time he saw Eva his brain shouted DANGER, because his whole body filled with love and understanding, he could see how amazing and sweet Eva was in every facet of her being Every time Isak observed Eva, the reasons why Jonas was in love with her sprouted out of her like flowers in spring, in a rush to be seen but still subtle enough to be admired calmly. And how could Isak ever compete with that? How could he dare to fight a losing battle against someone who had done nothing to deserve it and for a reason that didn’t even want to be fought for? But still, there he was, the hopeless boy that tried because he felt threatened by his friend, because that was what Eva really was, she was his friend, not just his best friend’s girlfriend, not just everything he wanted to be. 

So yes, maybe he was a little jealous of Eva, or maybe a lot, and he felt so scared because he could see clear as day the logic as to which Jonas would prefer her and leave him behind, he could understand why it would be so easy for her to steal his best friend away from him. 

_To be honest, I don’t even know why Jonas still talks to me._

Jonas was the coolest kid Isak knew, he was so smart and fun to be around. He felt special whenever he was with him, he had this way to make Isak feel like just hanging out with him made him instantly cool. On the other hand, Isak was bland and boring, even bleak sometimes, he felt like the only thing that made him different was the thing he hated the most about himself, he was so full of shit and wasn’t even honest about who he really was. Isak felt like the most generic person to ever be around Jonas but still, Jonas decided that he wanted Isak to be his best friend, it felt as if he had won the lottery or the Golden ticket or the fucking Nobel prize, he didn’t even know how to express it. They had been each other’s friends since what felt like forever and it was all going to be ruined because he was a stupid broken teenage boy with a serious problem inside him that played with his mind, that bossed him around and didn’t even allow him to breath properly, it hijacked all of him, paralyzed his whole body and grew like a ball of fear inside his chest, made him think about things he didn’t wanted his brain to go over and regurgitated all of the feelings he so insistently shoved down his throat. It was all going to be ruined forever because Isak couldn’t keep it in his pants.

Eva knew, he was sure. Eva had given him that suspicious look with a concerned undertone that could only mean she had seen through his veil of lies and realized how fucked up Isak was, she saw clearly what a horrible friend Isak was and her eyes had that look, the look he could feel everyone giving him if they ever found out, the look that would kill Isak if he ever saw in Jonas’ eyes, the look filled with confusion and concern, and even if he stared hard enough and let his mind play with him a little, it was a look filled with pity. 

“Isak?”

Jonas whole body looked as if it was ready to jump, relaxing as he saw Isak standing with his back to the mirror. Isak was afraid to look him in the eye, his whole body invaded by the terror of whatever Eva could’ve told him, but if she had told him… if Eva had talked to Jonas about how Isak felt, why would Jonas be looking for him? He knew Jonas better than most people, and he had hope and trust in him like he did in no one else, but he still could not fathom a universe in which Jonas found out who he really was and didn’t felt disgusted, or didn’t pity him, and he couldn’t bare it, Isak couldn’t take it, so he kept his head down, his eyes not moving from the fixed point that the crack on the tiles of the bathroom had become.

“Want to go to McDonald’s?”

_Wait, what the fuck?_

“Hm?”

“Yeah like, go eat some chicken nuggets or something”

He couldn’t believe this boy, what the fuck was happening? Was he for real? Isak slowly let his eyes land on Jonas’ and he found nothing but reassurance and if there was a little bit of concern mixed in there it didn’t feel like it came from a place of pity. No pity, no disgust, nothing, just Jonas. Isak’s mouth edges curled up in a smile without him even thinking about it.

“Nuggets? Get your nuggets the fuck out of here, I’m gonna eat some real food, a Big Mac.”

“Ugh Isak, we’re about to have this argument again just because you don’t get your head straight.”

_Straight, yeah, I’ve been trying man._

“No, no, no, you just need to accept the facts, Big Mac will always beat nuggets.”

“Nuggets can’t even compete with a Big Mac.”

“Why? Because they are food for kids?”

“Oh my god, that was evil bro, how dare you?”

And then they were laughing and Isak hadn’t even realized but they were already headed to McDonald’s, they were gonna sit there and laugh and argue a bit more but always with a smile on their faces and the security that this was all stupid compared to the big scheme of things, that being their friendship, Isak and Jonas, Jonas and Isak, always.

_Wait, no, not always._

“Hey, Jonas?”

“Hm?”

“Where’s Eva?” 

“She was gonna go find the new girls she has been hanging out with.”

“Oh, okay.”

“The Russ girls.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Is everything all right?”

“Yes.”

“Sure?”

“Why didn’t she come?”

“Eva?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t know, but she wanted me to come, to talk to you.”

“Why?”

“I guess she’s worried about you, she told me to check on you, to be a good friend.”

“You are.”

“I know.”

“The best.”

“I know.”

Isak’s head turned to Jonas and he found him already looking at him, a little smile on his lips, Isak returned it and he felt like they were sharing something, his heart did a leap inside his chest and Isak was tempted to slap himself but knew better than to do that and ruin the moment . He sometimes hated how his body betrayed him when most needed it to be on his side. The soles of their shoes hitting against the cement of the sidewalk was the only sound that was interrupted by Isak’s voice.

“Eva… she’s good for you.”

“Yeah, she is.”

Isak felt a pang in his stomach, there was confusion and mixed feelings, so much was going on inside him. But he didn’t let himself feel, not right now, because he was doing the right thing, he was being a good friend, and he knew that even though it burned his insides, that was the only thing he could be.

“She’s good for you, too.”

“Hm?”

“Yeah, she really cares about you, you know? She wants you to be happy. Like right now, she didn’t care that she was gonna be left alone at school, she just wanted me to go look for you and talk to you about what’s going on in your mind, because she’s worried, she says she has no idea why but she knows you probably need a friend right now, and I’m your best friend. I guess what I’m trying to say is that you know you have me and I’ll be forever on your side, but I’m not the only person that cares for you and worries about you, we love you Isak, we’re here for you.”

_What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the_

“I know, I know, thank you…”

“Hey, I don’t want you to feel like I’m pressuring you to say something, it’s okay, I just wanted you to know.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Okay.”

“Thanks.”

They shared another small smile but Isak’s heart was not filled with happiness as it had been the last time they talked like this. Now, he felt overwhelmed with hatred for himself, for what he was, for what he pretended to be and how it fooled even his closest friends. His heart now was full of guilt.

_She loves you, she cares about you. What the fuck is wrong with you._

 

 

**four**

_What the actual fuck is wrong with me_  
He had gone too far this time. This was more than just not okay, this was all wrong and he knew everything was his fault. He was all wrong, he was broken and not okay and he let the good inside him be swallowed by all the bad, and now he wondered if the goodness ever had a chance, he doubts it.

Right now his long arms were wrapped around Jonas’ trembling body, trying to make the sobs stop, but it was obvious he wasn’t going to be able to do it. Jonas was too broken at the moment and the only thing he could do was be there for him, acting as if he was not the reason why all of this was happening. He caught his reflection in the mirror and was surprised by how tiny Jonas seemed in his arms, he closed his eyes and held him tighter, wishing all this would stop, imagining how much better Jonas life would be without him, how much happier he would be, hating himself like he had never hated anyone else.

_I’m so fucked up, I’m so fucked up, I’m so fucked up, I’m so fucked up._

Jonas had been avoiding coming to his house lately, mostly because he understood how bad and complicated things were right now in Isak’s home life. Jonas knew that maybe Isak didn’t feel like making excuses every two days and having to end up acting like anything was happening or opening up about it, but today he had come straight here, knocked insistently and when Isak finally opened the door - with a knot in his throat because even though he knew this would happen the nervosity of seeing what he had done was still there and he was sure he was not prepared - Jonas crumpled right in front of him, his teary eyes couldn’t hold it anymore so he let go, his whole body crashed into Isak’s and he let go. Isak felt for the first time what it was like to hold Jonas when he was broken and he hated it, Jonas was always the one to hold him, Isak was the one who had the fucked up life and who always felt too sad, and even if sometimes Jonas didn’t understand why Isak needed to be held, he still held him. And now it was Isak’s time to do it, to hold the boy he had broken.

So yeah, Isak knew it hadn’t been a great idea to tell Jonas over the phone, but to be fair, he didn’t think he could’ve born to look into Jonas’s green eyes and destroy him, knowing that he had the power in his hands to stop all of this from happening, knowing that Jonas and Eva still could be together if it wasn’t for his fucked up plans to ruin their relationship. 

Nonetheless, he knew that Jonas would come running to him, seeking shelter and comfort in his best friend, so after muffling “it’s okay” into his hair a few times he practically dragged him to his room and then to his bathroom.He didn’t want his mom to be woken up by the sobbing, wondering what was happening and deciding to come and find out. 

But being here, holding Jonas in his bathroom made his chest feel too light and his stomach too heavy. He was drowning inside, a nauseating feeling. He shut his eyes because he couldn’t bear seeing himself all around him, he couldn’t bear knowing what he had done to Jonas and still having him right here in his house, in his bathroom, in his arms. A few weeks ago Isak had thought of himself as a sticky mess but now even that sounded nice compared to what he regarded himself as.

_Sticky mess? Ha, Isak, you wish. You are a fucking black hole._

In this moment he really felt like one, a black hole that swallowed everything nice around him into his sickening games, hurting and destroying them. Even Jonas, the brightest star in Isak’s galaxy, and Eva, the most beautiful, had been sucked into darkness because they thought they could trust him, because they had gotten to close to the black hole inside Isak’s chest. And that made Isak wonder, if he was capable of doing that to the people he loved the most, what were his limits? Did he even had limits? To what extent was he infecting the people in his life? Maybe everything wrong that kept happening to the people around him was all his fault, maybe his mom was sick because of him and his dad was always angry because he had to look after Isak and maybe the only way for the people close to him to be happy was getting far away from him. But still he was selfish and horrible, he couldn’t stop himself from wanting his dads attention and blaming his mom for not being sane and wishing Jonas could love him the way he wanted him to, he couldn’t stop himself from having hope, even if he didn’t deserve it.

“I just, I just can’t… I can’t believe she would…”

Isak wanted to scream, he just wanted to shout at the top of his lungs that this was all wrong, that Eva loved him and she regretted what she had done, he wanted to tell Jonas that it was all his fault, that he had been scheming behind their backs the last couple of days and that if they were breaking up it was on him. He wanted to reassure Jonas and tell him that he didn’t deserve this, that he deserved everything the world could give him and he instead got stuck with a shitty best friend. Isak couldn’t take this, but he was sure that he couldn’t do that, not now. Right now he needed to be there for Jonas, he needed to be strong for him. But he still felt like the worst person ever because he couldn’t be sure that there weren’t traces of selfishness in this thought process, he couldn’t be sure that he wasn’t too scared to tell the truth because he couldn’t imagine his life if he lost Jonas, he knew this and he hated it, but at the end the only thing he could do was hold Jonas tighter and whisper to him.

“It’s okay, don’t worry, everything will be okay.”

But in reality? Isak was not sure his words had any truth in them because he was weak. He found it difficult to see a future in which he isn’t selfish enough to let Jonas live his life without having to live with the burden that their friendship probably was to him, even if he didn’t noticed it because Isak was good at hiding the horrible person he was. 

After more crying and hugging for a span of time that Isak was not able to discern, but it felt like too much and not enough at the same time, Jonas was able to let go of Isak. Still sitting on the toilet, his face moved from being buried on Isak’s chest to the palms of his own hands. Isak sat on the bath tub’s edge right in front of him and waited, he waited patiently because that was the only thing he could do. Isak felt so helpless looking at Jonas, who had been gradually getting calmer as he let everything he was feeling out of his system and even though Isak’s tight embrace had helped tone down the shaking, he was still hunched down in a defeated stance and casually let out some choked sobs. 

“Sorry for being a mess man, thank you… for everything.”

_Fucking hell_

Isak wondered if that was what a slap would feel like, an emotional slap. Jonas’s puffy and red eyes looked directly at him but he felt like he was looking at someone else, looking at the idea that Isak fed him, looking at the shadow of what his friend had been so long ago.

“No, it’s not…”

“Isak, stop, just thank you for being a good friend.”

And while Isak replied with a sad “you’re welcome” in a low voice, the words “good friend” kept repeating inside his head, bouncing against his skull and making cracks all over it. He was not sure what the official definition of a good friend was, but it felt really close to the opposite of what Isak was, and the synonym of Jonas. Jonas had always been there for him, no matter what was going on in Isak’s life or how grumpy he was feeling, Jonas was there to remind him to chill and not take everything too seriously. Sometimes Isak thought about how his best friend could simply not understand him, but he still was there for him.   
Jonas had been there for Isak when it was so difficult for him to talk to people. Seeing everyone making friends so easily left him amazed because he couldn’t understand how they did it, going up to someone and just talking never felt natural to him, but having Jonas by his side doing the talking and including him in the jokes made everything easier. Jonas had been there for Isak when things started going to hell with his family, when everything felt blurred and too much he knew he could go to his best friend and unload everything, open up about his fears regarding his mom and his anger towards his father. 

Jonas even promised to keep visiting him and being his best friend even if he got a pet snake, one of Isak’s favorite animals and Jonas’s worst fears. Jonas told him that he would try to be nice to the snake and as long as he didn’t have to hold it, he would allow it to go into his house, just for Isak.  
It was nice having Jonas, it was amazing knowing you have someone you can confide in and open up to, even if he didn’t do it that much. Whenever he was around Jonas, Isak felt safe, so hearing Jonas, the real good friend, telling Isak, the biggest hypocrite to ever exist, about how a good friend he, Isak, was made his insides burn and his blood boil. He didn’t deserve that title, he was a bad friend, the worst friend.

“I need you to do something.”

“Yeah, whatever you need.”

“Can you… can you go to Eva?” 

_Excuse me, what?_

“What the fuck? No, I’m staying with you”

“Come on, Isak, she has no one.”

_Is this boy for real?_

“Jonas, are you kidding me? You need me, you are my best friend, I’m not leaving.”

“She needs you more than I do, I’m gonna be fine, I need some time alone.” 

“I…”

“Please, Isak, I need to know she has someone.”

_No, this is what an emotional slap feels like._

He didn’t know why he was so surprised, deep down - or not that deep down - he knew that Jonas was not going to break up with Eva and instantly fall in love with him. He knew that there would be no fairy-tale ending where he and Jonas would both confess their feelings and run into the sunset while holding hands. He knew that Jonas would still love Eva, would still care about her, because he was Jonas and he was so desperately and intensely in love with her, but it still hurt. He mentally laughed at himself, a bitter laugh that said “stop it Isak, that’s delusional” and packed his feelings together and shoved them to a corner.

“Okay… okay, yes.”

“Thanks, Isak.”

“You can stay here, just…”

“Yeah, I know I won’t make any noise.”

When Isak got up he wanted to do nothing but sit down again and stay with his best friend, but he had fucked up and the least he could do was try to do something right. He couldn’t stop himself from hugging Jonas and maybe they held on for too long, but both of them from different reasons. They kept hugging each other because they both needed it, but while Jonas probably held on a little bit too long as a way of saying thank you, Isak did it as a way of saying sorry.   
As Isak was heading out he felt Jonas hand taking his to get his attention, and electricity shot up all through his arm, warming his chest and sizzling his stomach.

“Isak?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you, I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Hm.”

“It’s okay, I know you don’t like all this cheesy bullshit but I love you, bro, I just wanted you to know that.”

“I love you too, Jonas.”

“I know.”

_No, you don’t._

So he rapidly let go of Jonas’ hand just after he gave it a little squeeze and made his way out of the bathroom. While he walked to the door it felt like his skin couldn’t contain all the guilt and self-hatred he was feeling, he felt like he was going to explode, his chest weighted hundreds of pounds and his head was filled with pressured air. He started panicking because he couldn’t stop his hands from trembling and when he finally was outside of his house and tears threatened to come out of his eyes and relieve him from everything huddled up inside him, he bit them down.

_No, Isak, you don’t get to cry and feel bad about it now. You need to be there for your friends. Your feelings? Man, they really don’t matter. Stop whinnying because none of this would’ve happened if it wasn’t for you, you stupid idiot, what the fuck is wrong with you?_

 

 

**five**

_What the actual fuck is wrong with you_  
He had gone through this what felt like a million times before, but he still keep ending up like this, hiding in a bathroom, cowering away from the knots he feels in his stomach whenever he’s around his best friend, but right now he couldn’t even stand up straight.

_Pff straight_

He was as drunk as he had promised last week he would never let himself get to again. Right now, he was barely aware of what he was doing anymore, he felt like a puppet being moved by the invisible hands of the god of beer.

_There is a god of beer, right? There must be._

And he was having fun. Although drinking was weird for him, he loved feeling detached from his life and his body, it was as if he could be another person, he could do everything he felt like doing and then blame it on the alcohol, but that was also the thing he hated most about drinking. He was aware that sober Isak would have a fucking heart attack if he let drunk Isak run wild and allow him complete control of his body and mind. So Isak drank and got as much alcohol as he could into his system, but his mind never stopped running a movie of all of his fears played one after the other, the worst one being everyone finding out who he really was, seeing past all of his pretend layers, and realizing what Isak had been trying to hide for months behind his fake facade.

So yeah, drinking was fun, but Isak’s mind would never allow him to indulge without warning him about what was at stake.

_Good mind, nice mind, taking care of me._

But he found himself yet again hurrying to the first bathroom he could find, silently hoping it wasn’t occupied by drunk people throwing up all over the toilet or even sometimes in the sink, leaving his little enclosed safe haven smelling awful. He felt the urge to get away from the party because he had been sobered up by a blow that he felt too close too his heart, he had seen Jonas making out intensely with a girl he didn’t know. Isak tried to forced himself to look away but it was as if he was a robot and the gearing inside his neck was stuck, not allowing him to move freely. It also didn’t help that his drunk self was looking half in panic and half in fascination to the way the scene was developing, the kiss deepening and the bodies getting closer to each other. 

 

Minutes probably passed while he was admiring and low key being creepy about Jonas and his new found hook up, until he was abruptly brought back to real life when Magnus bumped his shoulder and smiled knowingly at him. Isak felt a coldness spreading all over his back and panicked for a second just before mentally cursing alcohol and regaining his composure. He felt scared at the prospect of Magnus’s smile meaning he had seen Isak in awe of Jonas because even if Magnus could be stupid sometimes, Isak knew he was really observant and if someone could imagine the worst possible scenarios it was him. Still, he tried to act as civil as possible in hopes that Magnus would convince himself that he was making up impossible stories inside his mind.

It turned out Isak’s worries were stupid, because Magnus saw Isak as the straightest boy ever and he thought Isak was eyeing the girl whose face was now being eaten by Jonas. Sometimes Isak wondered about how Magnus could be so observant and so blind to what was happening right in front of him at the same time. But still, after faking a laugh and giving a stupid excuse so he could flee to the bathroom, Isak mentally reprimanded himself for letting his drunk instincts take control and being too obvious, so that anyone on the party who paid enough attention and didn’t have an heteronormative way of thinking would see how gone he was for the cute boy making out with a girl in the corner of the room. 

_Isak, concentrate, we don’t want to throw up… wait, we? Why the fuck am I talking to myself in the… something person._

He let out a little laugh from between his sealed lips but stopped when the picture of what he had just run from flashed behind his eyes, impacting against his skull, he was not able to laugh, smile, not even breathe regularly. The limited control he had over his thoughts gave him the ability to roam around his mind and go into the most hidden away places, showing him that some things could not be forgotten and even if his routine of denying it as if it was a mantra he felt was functioning, it was all still there, all the fear and all the guilt that made his chest heavy. Isak tried to look at himself in the mirror. Whenever he was too drunk he locked himself in the bathroom to inspect his face in the reflection and let the cold water run over his hands.

_That’s it, water and mirror._

After trying around five times to turn the faucet in the wrong direction, he finally got it right and put his hand under the running water. The constant motion of the liquid falling into his hand and following an uneven trail through his skin was always helpful in getting Isak to calm down.He read somewhere he can’t remember at the moment that it’s good for you to feel something constant and tangibly real that keeps you awake and calm whenever you are not in control of your senses. It helps to hold on to what one of those senses can offer you in order to get your head straight and be able to think clearly.

_Straight, I keep saying straight. I’m not straight, I’m more like wobbly. Wait but wouldn’t that… wait. Okay, wait, I’m more like… not straight. No, wait, but that’s wobbly… isn’t it? … am I wobbly?_

But his very productive line of thought got interrupted by the sudden and violent churning in his stomach, filling him with a need to throw up. With enough knowledge about what was gonna happen afterwards, Isak was able to unlock and open the door before clutching his stomach and throwing most of the alcohol he had ingested right into the toilet.

_Shit, I hate my life._

“Are you okay?”

“Jonas, I need Jonas.” 

Everything blurred after that, his mind distinguished a far away voice asking for someone named Jonas but his whole body was preparing himself to unload more alcohol. 

He remembered what had happened as if he was seeing it through a broken lens, pieces scattered all over the place, not a clear shot because of the blurry focus and everything developing without a time, memories one over the other, overlapping and making his task to identify the timeline of the night an unsolvable puzzle. There was only a little snippet that his mind allowed him to remember clearly, and maybe it had slipped into his memory for a reason. 

“Isak, Isak, oh man, are you alright?”

“Yes, Jonas, I’m even more than alright, I’m having the fucking time of my life, why don’t you come join me in the throwing up parade, we’re all having an amaz…”

His whole body was hit by another spasm and he aimed at the toilet as the puke came out of his mouth, he felt Jonas’s hands moving his curls out of the way, holding them on the back of his head.

_Why am I like this?_

“I’m kinda glad you threw up while snapping at me, to be honest.”

“Yeah, I deserved that one.”

“Oh my god, Isak, you’re throwing up all over the place.”

“What? I’m not throwing… no, wait. I’m throwing up directly into the toilet. I’m the master of throwing up in toilets, I’ll throw up into all the toilets, I’ll do it.” 

“You are definitely not throwing up inside the toilet.”

“Am I not throwing inside… Well, fuck.”

_Oh my god no, I’m the horrible puking teenager, I’m ruining someone’s safe place, I’m so rude._

The words he used were half formed and slurred, he could tell he was talking maybe too loud and half of his sentences made no sense but he could distinctly hear Jonas laugh. That was one of Isak’s favorite sounds, and when he slowly and carefully moved his head to look at his best friend he was offering him a smile. Isak thought all of his feelings would eventually start disappearing, especially after everything that happened with Eva. He had started a journey of self-discovery and with every step he took, he found some buried hope hiding inside him but even if he sometimes felt that with time everything could be alright, he still had intense inner turmoil that had to be dealt with. It didn’t help that he kept getting drunk and put himself through awful parties that he hated, but he couldn’t stop attending because he needed to know, it was as if his body was demanding that he saw who Jonas’s girl for the night was.

He sometimes wondered if Jonas being in a relationship with Eva had been better than seeing him make out with an unknown girl every week, but he knew better than to dwell in those thoughts, so he buried himself in other stuff going on in his life.It wasn’t as if he didn’t have material for that, starting with his dad leaving or his mom relapse or his drunk gay bar experience or the fact that he was now basically living on a basement. But not now, now he was drunk and now he could see Jonas, right now he could act as is he was a normal teenager and everything was alright. Well apart from the throwing up and ruining his best friend’s night out.

“Sorry I’m messed I ruined your make-out-session with that pretty girl.” 

“Yeah, that was kinda sad but we gotta take care of each other, bro, I’ll always have your back, even if it’s a back full of vomit.”

“That’s gross, Jonas.”

“You’re gross, Isak.”

And even though the smile was still plastered all over Jonas’s face and Isak knew he was only joking, it felt real. It hurt because those words were what Isak’s mind tricked him into thinking people would say to his face whenever they found out about his lies and his schemes, whenever they see him as the real Isak, because who would want the real Isak?

_The real Isak who is here ruining Jonas night again, making him take care of the mess that you are, what the fuck is wrong with you?_

 

 

**one**

_What the actual fuck is wrong with me?_  
Isak was hiding in the bathroom and there was a guy waiting for him a few feet away, only a door separating them. And it was not just any guy, it was a guy that made his breath hitch when his eyes locked directly with Isak’s, a guy that made his chest feel so full and light at the same time, as if it was filled with refreshing air, a guy with the deepest and most beautiful voice that had ever entered through Isak’s ears. Whenever he talked, whenever he started passionately rambling about something, it cleared all of Isak’s thoughts, as if there was only room in Isak’s mind to whatever he was saying, as if Isak’s body didn’t want to spare any attention in anything that wasn’t him, anything that wasn’t Even.

Even, that was the guy’s name. Isak could say that name a thousand times a day, he liked saying it so much and by now he was not really sure if it was because he genuinely loved the name or he liked the person it belonged to.

Isak’s heart was beating faster than he could remember ever feeling it beat so no, he was not okay, he was on the fucking moon, he thought he may explode from the mix of happiness and nervousness inside his chest. And he was fucking freezing, he had recklessly followed Even into a pool for a late night swim inside a house that wasn’t even his. It was one of Isak’s favorite things he’s ever done because of what happened during the night but mostly because of who he was sharing this memory with, but it led to him and Even running for several blocks, soaking wet in the middle of the night in October. So no, that wasn’t ideal, but still ideal enough because Isak’s hand was clasped with Even’s the whole time. 

Isak was scared, he was terrified. He wasn’t sure what force had overcome him when he decided to blurt out to Even that they could go change out of their wet costumes to his apartment, but here they were and as soon as Isak handed Even some appropriate and nice Eskild’s clothes, he told Even he was gonna change in the bathroom and practically ran for some alone time to think.

So here he was, looking at himself in the mirror, trembling because of the cold he felt, but still unable to move, too busy trying to grasp the fact that he had a boy that he liked and he had just kissed a few minutes ago waiting for him in his room. This felt surreal, Isak felt like his mind was playing games with him because there was no way this was his life right now. Even was sweet and smart and hot and kind and interesting and not an asshole and a boy, so basically everything Isak had ever dreamed of. Better yet, Even wanted to be with him. Out of all the people Even could probably get because come on, there’s no way this guy couldn’t get whoever he wanted, he still choose Isak, he was here, waiting for him. Isak let out a little squeak.

_Oh my god, Isak, you need to fucking chill._

Isak was freaking out a little bit, or more like a lot. His mind was jumping from one threatening thought to another before he could take the time to dissect every aspect of every thought and inspect them in his metaphorical magnifying glass, as he usually did. He had limited time to decide the future of how his relationship with Even would develop, and his brain was not cooperating to complete the task of identifying his options and weighing the pros and cons of each possible scenario.His mind didn’t like being under pressure and as soon as it started feeling like Isak was about to make a probably life changing decision in the span of a few minutes it went into red alert, flaring thoughts and warnings everywhere.  
He breathed deeply, taking his time with each inhale and exhale, begging his body to stop acting like an immature 14 year old and do him the favor of working with him for once. His options were:  
1\. The coward choice: not going out at all, hide in the bathroom until Even got the hint and left, but there was no way that Isak was gonna let that happen, even if his panicked side made him think it was tempting, because it was rude and horrible.  
2\. The brave choice: walking out if this bathroom, after changing into some dry clothes obviously, go up to Even, kiss him and invite him to stay. This was also tempting but Isak rational instincts screamed at him that it was stupid and he was probably setting up for disappointment, what if you misunderstood everything? what if he doesn’t want you?  
3\. The smart choice: change out of his wet clothes and go out and talk to Even, pour your heart out about the insecurities that this situation causes in you and ask him for a few more days so you can think about what this means to you and in that time over analyze everything and probably ruin it, but also probably save it and most importantly save yourself.

And Isak knows, all of his empirical knowledge has lead him to this moment, for him to pick the smart choice, because smart is what works with the inner functions of Isak’s mind, but after a long quiet minute Isak wonders if the smart choice has always worked for him as much as he thinks it has. He asks himself why smart has to always be the default when it comes to decision making, and even if he knows that smart is always better and if he had enough time he would draw a fucking graph about probabilities, but he doesn’t, he has to decide right now because he has been leaning against the sink, looking at his face in the mirror for more that it would be appropriate for a guy who is just changing clothes. And he’s fucking freezing, so he slowly starts changing and while he does this, he thinks.

_Why do I always have to act smart?, pick the smart choice, be smart, smart, smart. Maybe I want to be dumb._

And what Isak was really thinking but he didn’t want to accept to himself was that sometimes when it comes to love, being smart is overrated. He wanted to be reckless, because he had been just a few minutes ago and it had made him happier than he’d been on a long time. So maybe Isak wanted to be brave, even if it means that sometimes he could end up being stupid, because when it came to Even, he wanted to be reckless, he wanted to be smart by not always talking the smart choice, he wanted to be happy. 

Isak’s eyes stared directly at his reflection. He could see everything, he could see the way the skin on top of his cheekbones had reddened because of the cold, how his lower lip was a little bit swollen after having passed his tongue again and again over it and even after nibbling on it because of the nervosity. He could see his eyes, he stopped there, he may be biased because he knew everything that was going on behind them, but he could still feel like he saw a glimmer that hadn’t been there all of the past panicking-in-the-bathroom mirror staring. He smiled to himself and it felt weird but it felt nice, a nice weird feeling spread all over his body.

His trembling hand got steady when he wrapped it around the knob, Isak was sure it had kept shaking because of the agitated feeling of actually acting upon what he wanted and what he thought and what he felt, of being himself for once and not trying to push down what he was feeling and put up a fake front to defend himself of the harm the world could do to him. And he realized that even if it was nerve wracking, he would still rather be real than fake any day, and he knew that was something he would definitely be working to achieve from now on, even if it went against everything he stood for during his whole life by not letting people too near or too deep into his head or his life. 

Leaving his wet Julius Caesar costume abandoned in the bathroom, already hearingEskild’s reprimand in the morning but not really caring at all, he made his way to his room. When he got there, stomach churning, he interrupted Even’s question about the wet clothes by sealing their lips together. He heard the damp fabric heavily hit the floor and instantly felt Even’s big hands wrapping around him and holding his waist with a firm grip. His chest got filled with air because of the surprise of Even actually responding to his kiss, he couldn’t help himself from having doubts and even if Even had literally followed him to his house, Isak could still not believe he had chosen to be here with him.

He let out a little sigh of relief without separating their lips and Isak’s cheeks turned pink when he felt Even’s smile against his mouth, letting him know he had felt Isak’s embarrassing sigh. All of Isak’s senses were heightened with the presence of Even, he felt as if the rush in his blood and beatings of his heart were gradually intensifying. The knots inside his stomach disintegrated and left him with a nice ticklish feeling, Isak felt… good. Amazing. Incredible. Never better.

 

Isak’s nose filled with Even’s smell, having the boy so close to him gave Isak the opportunity to absorb and fill his lungs with Even’s essence. It may sound weird but it was entering Isak’s body and fitting perfectly there, cleansing him from all the bad air that had crossed through his nostrils before. The chlorine from the pool was probably the prominent smell, but below it Isak found soap, maybe some lotion, but the most important, Even’s own scent, that made Isak never want to be out of his reach again. Isak could also hear Even, the way he moved his feet on the floor, shifting to be able to deepen the kiss, and he could hear his hitched breaths and even the little moans that slipped from his mouth as the kiss got sloppier. Isak never thought he was susceptible to addiction, but then there was Even’s taste. Also Isak thought he would never be cheesy but he couldn’t stop himself from internally expressing his amazement for this boy. It was all over his mouth, a faint trace of the few sips of beer he had before running away into the night with him, but as Isak kept kissing him he grew more sure about Even’s taste. He couldn’t explain it, but he would gladly spend more time trying to identify it. Most of all, he could feel Even, he could feel Even all over him, with every brushing of their skin and the hunger in their mouths, he could feel Even everywhere, and he wouldn’t have it any other way. The way Even’s fingers dug into him and his soft skin felt over his own, it was making his heart jump and his mind completely free of any thoughts that were not what was happening at his exact moment. He felt completely surrounded by Even, and smiled. 

When they finally separated and Isak slowly fluttered his eyes open, the first thing he saw was Even’s deep blue eyes, crinkles around them formed by his smile, Isak tried to return the smile only to find himself already smiling. When their backs rested in the mattress Isak thought he could not be happier, but after a few minutes they have tangled their bodies together and Isak’s head in Even chest, stealing kisses from each other from time to time, it made the happiness from minutes ago seemed like nothing, his mind was still trying to process all of the happy feelings pilling up inside Isak, because it had been a long time since he felt this way.

Just looking at Even represented a whole new world of possibilities to Isak, one that he was eager and excited to explore, and he was also curious, they had already started getting to know each other but Isak’s curiosity levels were off the charts and he wanted to know everything about this amazing person that was in front of him.

“So…”

“Yeah?”

“Have you ever… had you ever kissed a boy before?”

He internally cringed for a second because of how obviously nervous he was, blurting out the question, but Even’s kind eyes were not judging him.He felt safe with Even, Isak could do the most embarrassing thing ever and Even would just brush it off with a laugh. He smiled at Isak but after thinking about the question the factions on his face faltered, allowing Isak to see a part of Even he had never seen, a vulnerable one.

“Yes, I kissed my friend Yousef, it was… it was not good, not for me and not for him.”

“Did you…”

“We were good friends… it’s not important anymore.”

But Isak could see that it was, even if this Yousef guy was not in his life anymore,he clearly had meant a lot to Even, just by seeing the way his eyes seemed lost and his voice deepened when he talk about him. He wondered in which period of Even’s life did it happen, was it recent? Was he already with Sonja? But he forced himself out of that line of thought because it just reminded him of how little he really knew Even, and mostly because it seemed like something really personal. Isak didn’t want to pressure him into telling his life story, so he just smiled at him and when Even’s mouth curled up in a smile too, Isak felt a nice feeling in his stomach, that he didn’t quite know how to describe because it was completely new.

“Have you?”

“No.”

“Have you wanted to?”

“No, Even, I’m a gay boy that has gone his whole life without wanting to…”

He stopped himself abruptly when he realized what he had just said and felt his eyes opening way too much.

_Did I just said…_

“What is it?”

“I just… I have never said it out loud.”

“About you being gay?”

His stomach turned and Isak couldn’t muster the courage to answer with words so he only half nodded as and answer, his eyes avoiding Even’s

“Are you? Gay, I mean.”

“I don’t know.”

“That’s okay, take your time to figure it out.”

And when Isak looked up he drowned in the kindness in Even’s blue eyes, it was as if the water that ran wild inside Even’s eyes was freely wandering in Isak’s eyes green forest. Isak’s breath became steady and he felt everything inside him calm down. For Isak, being next to Even was being able to feel free, to feel as himself, carefree of being judged or mocked. 

“Who was it that you wanted to kiss?” 

“Mostly my best friend Jonas.”

“Really?” 

“Yeah, it was hard, even painful.”

“I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

“It’s okay, I sometimes wonder if I still want to kiss him sometimes.”

“And do you?”

“I don’t know, I don’t think so. It just feels so… distant, I guess.” 

“Makes sense.”

“Does it?”

“Yeah, it does.”

Isak was unsure of what he was about to do, but his mind had been a cage for so long, imprisoning every thought he felt was too real, too vulnerable, too him. So he took the leap, he gave the first step to start opening up, to destroy the walls that fake Isak consisted of.

“I felt like I was not okay, for wanting to kiss him.”

_You can do this Isak, come on, if you can open up to someone it needs to be Even._

“It was as if every time the thought about Jonas and me together crossed my mind I had to immediately shut it down, because it was the thought of a broken boy, of a sick boy, not the Isak I wanted to be.”

“Isak…”

“Yeah I know, I’m learning, growing, trying to leave those ideas behind… sometimes it’s hard, it’s like I’m stuck and I can’t avoid going back to them.”

“Isak, it’s okay, I’m proud that you are trying to separate yourself from that mindset but I need you to understand that you are not broken, okay? You are beautiful, inside and outside, even if you can’t see it. I won’t allow it for you to go through life thinking that way because you don’t deserve anything but the best. You are not broken, you are not wrong.”

And while Even poured his heart into the sweetest kiss Isak had ever received, he couldn’t stop the overwhelming feeling of happiness and relief and calm, come out of his eyes in the form of tears, just a few because he refused to let his moping ruin the moment. 

Because it could still be very difficult to stare at himself in the mirror or not let himself drown in the guilt for his past mistakes or not being paralyzed by the fear of what the people he loved the most would think about him when he let them see the truth or just overall difficult to accept that this was his life, this was who he was, but today, today he felt safe with his company, today he felt comfortable in his own skin and accepting of his own feelings, today he felt like he could be Isak, the real Isak.

_And maybe today I can really believe that nothing is wrong with me._


End file.
